Who Am I? The Self Inquiry Process

(Photo credit)
Since I read Ramana Maharshi, I’ve been meditating more on the question of “Who am I?” in his style. His answer is “The Self, which is identical to the Source and God”. However, memorizing someone else’s answer does no good — I need to know for myself.

Here is my personal report of this self-inquiry.

The premise

First, I understand that I am always I am. There is never a moment when I am not who I am, never was, never will be. I may pretend to be someone, but it’s impossible for me to be not me. This is not spiritual — it’s a basic logic.

So from there, I assume who I am is something constant, something that doesn’t come and go.

The problem of neti-neti

Some nondualism teachers use “neti-neti” approach to explore who I am. Neti-neti means “not this, not this”. It’s a way to explore who I am by identifying who I am not.

I see a fundamental issue here. Neti-neti is a form of inductive reasoning and therefore has the same issue of induction. Just because it is true that I am not A, B, C (or D, and E) doesn’t mean I am something that is beyond A, B, C, D, and E. I may be F.

I agree with nondualism teachers that I am not my thoughts, not my mind, not my feelings, not my history and personality that was formed by the history, not my body. Typically, at this point, the nondualism says, “But there is this awareness that is aware of all these. So you are awareness.”

To this I wonder: Ah, but what about the soul and the Higher Self?

Perhaps because the idea of a soul was nonexistent in Asia, where nondualism started, they don’t check if I am a soul / Higher Self.

Awareness is the nature of the soul

In my understanding, awareness and the soul / Higher Self are the same. Awareness is the nature of the soul. Souls come to this world to experience, to be aware.

So my conclusion is really not different from their teaching (although personally, as the Akashic Record Reader, the minor difference of perspective is important).

As I wrote in my first article of “Who Am I?”, there is really no individuality at the Higher Self level. The individual soul is as real as the individual body — and just as illusionary. (If you are wondering the difference between the soul and the Higher Self, please check the linked article. When the distinction doesn’t matter, I use the words interchangeably.)

I am essentially my Higher Self exploring this strange and interesting world using an avatar called Akemi’s soul in Akemi’s body. It’s like playing a virtual reality simulation game.

The answer to “Who am I?”

I’ve seen many answers to this questions such as:

• I am energy taking the form of my body.
• I am a higher dimensional being.
• I am the extension of God’s love.

Well, to me, these (and more) just sound like mental constructs. They certainly sound nice, or even noble, but what do they really mean?

When I contemplate this question “Who am I?”, my honest answer is “I don’t know.” I sense I am here. Here is me. But I cannot explain who I am just as I cannot see the back of my own eye. I don’t know who I am — I just exist here. Well, let’s find out what I am like by experiencing various things in this world, shall we?

You want to know the meaning of life?

And that’s the meaning of life, meaning of existing as physical being here. I don’t know who I am. I just am. Well, that’s okay, but why not engage in a game to get to know myself by experiencing so many things?

Here is a passage I wrote for myself:

I am what is looking at the world through Akemi’s eyes (for now, at least), feeling in Akemi’s body, thinking with Akemi’s poopoo little brain. Akemi really doesn’t exist in the way she thinks she does — that’s just her belief, her ego’s belief.

When I look through Akemi’s eyes and see, say, a tree, I recognize it — hey, that tree feels familiar. I know that tree. In fact, I was that tree before (if you believe in linear time). So this is how that tree looks like from Akemi’s viewpoint!

I guess people are the same way, too. We play the game of the offender and the offended, the lover and the beloved, the stranger and another stranger, to see how it all feels. For the sake of awareness.

At this point, a strange thought came up in me: Does the Higher Self even care about me?

To this, the answer was:

Well, I am more Akemi than Akemi (that is, Akemi as Akemi thinks she is, as a limited and separate entity). I mean, of course I care for Akemi — by that you mean, Akemi’s body, right?

But then, if Akemi’s ego insists on acting out in a certain way, I (Higher Self) play along with it to see and experience what happens. I am all for experiencing. I am awareness.

All experiences are great. Even what people call bad experiences are great in the same way watching a play of tragedy (like Hamlet) is great.

And nothing is “same old.” I can only experience the present. Nothing is ordinary — I have no standard to judge things against. Everything is interesting. I love everything.

And experiencing doesn’t have to be about running around to do more. The “I” seem to like just watching the sky, for instance.

The awareness and the body

I think the Higher Self / awareness is more closely connected to the body than to the mind because the body is our tool to experience. The Higher Self is not interested in the commentaries of the mind — that is like indirect, secondhand experiences. So the feelings (both the emotions and the kinesthetic kinds) are more directly connected to the Higher Self than thoughts, memories, and beliefs.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what we call it. I’ve been using the word “Higher Self” because this was the term that was often used in the corner of the world I used to be familiar with, but because I never talk about “lower self”, I might just call it “Self” (as opposed to self, which is an illusionary reflection of Self). You might call it spirit, awareness, the “I am” or A to Z. (Um, yes, I imitated Jesus, who said, “I am the alpha and the omega.” He didn’t mean he alone is such — each and every “I” am the alpha and the omega.)

What do you think? Have you read Ramana Maharshi or other nondualism teachings? What is your heartfelt response to the question, “Who am I?”

Gratitude For Who I Am Now, Online Gratitude Journal #15

There is a pitfall in personal development

You are motivated to improve yourself and your life. You read personal development books and blogs and try new techniques eagerly. The visualization of success to utilize the law of attraction. New meditation technique. Maybe a new skill in time management. All is good, right? (Photo by Mr. Greenjeans)

Yes. As long as it starts with the appropriate starting point every time you adopt the new approach. And that is the acceptance of who you are as you are here and now.

You see how tricky it is? It’s so easy to forget this self acceptance part and jump to the improvement part. But when we do so, we start skidding. All the great techniques start to pressure you and push you further, not closer, from the love and joy you ultimately desire.

The horrible week I just went through

Now acceptance is easy to say. Let me tell you just a little bit about the little ding-dong I live with (that is, me). Things turned un-nice last Friday. I was invited to a dinner at a friend’s place. I was looking forward to this a lot – she is nice and it was also going to be a great opportunity for me to get to know some other people in this area. That afternoon, I went to the supermarket to get some salad greens and cheese to make the salad I was to bring. As I was driving, I suddenly noticed I had a headache. Of course, I ignored it.

I came home and thought I might take a bit nap – that would surely help me feel better. Well, no. The pain got worse and worse, accompanied with terrible stomachache. By 5:30, I had to admit to myself I wouldn’t be able to make it to the dinner. I called her and apologized. I felt bad for making her dinner salad-less and disappointing her.

I suffered over the weekend and started recovering earlier this week. I was working fine Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday evening, I had a phone session scheduled for my Akashic Record Reading. I felt a bit distracted that afternoon – things like the marketing of this blog weren’t working the way I want, etc. And – when I noticed, it was more than one hour after the scheduled time!

Embarrassed would be an understatement for the way I felt. I take pride in offering excellent service, and that includes being punctual. I had never missed a business occasion like this.

So . . . do I have to accept myself like this? Do I accept myself?

. . . yes. For the second blunder, of course I need to learn how to manage my schedule better, but still, that needs to start with seeing myself as I am and accepting her.

I was going to write more shortcomings about myself, like how terrible I am at finding directions when I drive or that greed that distracted me that Wednesday, but I think it’s getting too long. I trust you got the point.

And really – Akemi is not such a horrible person. Just a bit ding-dong (or whatever you call). I’m grateful for the person she is.

Link Love

Extend the love for who I am – extend it to all beings for who they are – right here and now. As if everyone and everything just came into existence here and now. No reasoning for the love, no attached “stories” for things are not. I think that is what Andrea talks about in her post Attachment and Manifesting What We Want.

Do you love quotes? It looks like Hunter Nuttall had the love and lots of time in his college days. Check out his 1,000,001 Things I Wish I Had Said First. I just wish it’s categorized so that I can find good quotes that fits well in my writing, but even as it is, it’s so much fun to read any part of it. I think this may be one of the great example of how to make money doing what you love.

Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. — Albert Einstein

My Law of Attraction Dream Money Project, Week 14, $819,200

I want to review this Dream Money Project< before it hits the million dollar mark. This is a fun way to expand your wealth consciousness. I started with $100 of dream money that I can use on anything I like. The money doubles every time I write this Gratitude Friday series. It’s quite challenging to come up with creative ways to use the money.

The way I see it is the dream spending must be something that resonates with myself, something I want to get or do really if I had that money. Here are the ways I’ve spent the money so far:

Week 1, $100 for a drive to the coast (Done!)

Week 2, $200 for an iPod nano and music download

Week 3, $400 for strawberries and gorgeous lingerie (Sounds sexier than it was, huh?)

Week 4, $800 for donation to good cause

Week 5, $1,600 for antique furniture

Week 6, $3,200 for trip to Italy and Spain

Week 7, $6,400 for arts I like

Week 8, $12,800 for trading up to Prius

Week 9, $25,600 for down payment of my new townhouse

Week 10, $51,200 for a community garden with a little gazebo

Week 11, $102,400 for free-for-all day at the local art museum with lunch reception

Week 12, $204,800 for foundation to explore soul-mind-body relationship

Week 13, $409,600 for my secret beach house, purchased by cash

(Sorry there is a discrepancy between the week of this Dream Money Project and the Gratitude Friday. It’s because I started the Dream Money Project on week 2 of Gratitude Friday.)

So what do I want to do with this week’s $819,200? I can buy an apartment house and become a landlord. That will bring a nice chunk of passive income. Or maybe I can buy a yacht for my beach house. I love the ocean so that will be nice (although I have no idea how to operate it. . .)

One of the comment to my post Spiritual Money Practice To Eliminate Poverty got my attention. Abundance starts from within, but how can someone surrounded by poverty perceive abundance? I know it’s difficult but I think it’s possible. And that can bring huge change.

Think about India. Just several decades ago, it was one of the poorest country in the world. Now the economy is booming and they can’t find enough people to fill positions. On the other hand, most countries in Africa stay in poverty. I know, I know, there are many factors like the wars in Africa, but still, it’s an interesting contrast.

I think the difference originated in their mindset. India remembers its past glory and has kept their abundance mindset even during the challenging times. That, with their commitment to education, has made the difference.

I want to donate books to schools in Africa to help them see the big picture and start cultivating their abundance mindset. Let’s see, with the budget of $500 per school, $819,200 can cover 1638 schools. If I can get some publishers to help, $500 can buy quite a few books. Along with books for basic education of reading (I encourage them to learn English – it can open a lot of doors) and math, I want books like The Secret and Ask And It Is Given.

I’m grateful for the beautiful autumn leaves, new crop of apples of so many varieties, and matsutake and other mushrooms (yummy!). I heard we can go matsutake hunting in Oregon mountains. . .

Next week, I’ll resume the Inside Out Approach To Entrepreneurship. Have a great weekend!