Spiritual Development Paradox
August 4, 2010 by Akemi
(Photo credit)
This is going to be a very personal post. My spirit guides and teachers are accelerating the pace they communicate with me and, for little Akemi, it feels they are just dumping tons of info on me. I need to write to organize my understanding. Maybe someone among you who knows better can even help me somehow.
So I apologize if the post reads a bit messy. Some part of the post may sound redundant or contradictory. Just bear with me. Or, you can just move on to other posts that are written better.
What is spiritual development anyway?
The thing is this “spiritual development” or “growth”. As you know, I read people’s Akashic Records and clear the energetic blocks and interferences. It’s a spiritual work. And I’ve believed I need to continually work on my own spiritual development for my own good and to be a good Akashic Record reader.
I believe my clients and readers of this blog are also into spiritual development. We work on improving ourselves and our lives.
My spirit guides (SP): But the soul is already whole and complete. There is no room or need for improvement. That’s an oxymoron.
Me: Oh. Well… you are right. I know souls / Higher Selves come directly from the Source. But … you mean we don’t need to improve anything?
SP: You can train your body, you can train your mind because the mind belongs to the body. But no, you cannot train or improve your soul.
Me: But… what is all this spiritual evolution is about then? Aren’t we aiming to some high goals, like Ascension or Enlightenment?
SP: Okay, let’s go back a bit. You think you are less than perfect, and so you want to improve yourself, right?
Me: Yes.
My inner fears
As much as I write about the importance of accepting and loving ourselves as we are, with all the unique and quirky bits, there are still part of me that I am not 100% comfortable with.
For example, I gained a few pounds since last summer. I think I would look nicer if I lose these weights.
I also think I might want to work harder. My clients are waiting 4 to 5 weeks for their readings. My professionalism tells me to work harder to shorten the waiting list.
And the biggest frustration comes from this spiritual development itself. I read quite a lot of books on spirituality. There are so many good books. And as I read, I realize I am not measuring up well. Like, I haven’t done conscious astral projection. (I think we all do astral projection unconsciously.) I still have no idea about lightbody. (Damn, the linked article was written more than a year ago. What have I been doing since?) I am still concerned about petty daily things. My experience in the spiritual development is pretty limited. And so on.
I can read the Akashic Records and talk with my clients’ spirit guides, but that’s about all. Often, it feels I am just a conduit, a messenger in the spiritual world, with no real credit to myself.
I want to be brilliant so that I can help people realize their brilliance. Hopefully, I would do this simply by my existence. Instantly. I am far from being such a Light and this frustrates me a lot. In short, what the f-word am I doing here?
SP: So what do you think if I tell you you are already whole and complete?
Me: … that sounds like a big paradox. I sincerely work and work to improve my spirituality only to realize I am already whole and complete?
SP: Yes!
Me: … so… I don’t need to do anything?
Living in the Here and Now
SP: The only thing is you live in the hear and now. Completely. When you think you were thinner last summer, you are comparing yourself with the you of the past. When you think you would look nicer when you lose weight, you are comparing yourself with the future you and pressuring your current self. You are also believing you are less than desirable.
Me: ….
SP: Same thing with spiritual development or anything. You are comparing your current self with others, or the future potential you, or the past you. None of them matters to you — they don’t really exist.
Then there was a stream of visuals to help my understanding. We are like kids playing make-believe games. We are so into this game, for so long, that we have forgotten it’s just a game. We think this is reality.
Or it’s like living in a dream and we can’t wake up. (Remember the movie “Vanilla Sky”?)
Me: So let’s see… What happens when I really, totally, live in the here and now?
SP: Think.
Me: I guess that’s the same with loving myself totally. Because there is no point of comparison. I’m not sure if the word “love” is appropriate here, but this solid, focused, and warm feeling is like love.
SP: Good.
Me: This super simple feel is somehow familiar … I guess we felt this when we were babies.
SP: Yes.
Me: So living in the NOW is about waking up?
SP: It’s the gateway. You don’t wake up while you are participating in the make-believe game.
Me: But … is it really that simple? We just focus on the here and now and we realize we are already whole? And we wake up?
SP: It’s simple, yes, but may not be easy for many. Can you simply accept whatever happens to you?
The altered state of consciousness
Then my spirit guides reminded me of the experience I had two years ago. It’s something I’ve thought of writing on this blog — it’s certainly interesting — but just didn’t know how to.
It was August or September of 2008, the year I started taking clients for my Akashic Record Reading. I did a lot of work that day. In fact, I did more than I set out to do that day and it was still rather early in the evening. I remember I was feeling proud of my day.
It was still bright outside, so I decided to go out and take a walk.
I walked out of my office room (I was working on my computer) and went to the bathroom. When I stood up and turned around to flush, I almost fell as I lost balance. It felt as if an invisible hand made a big swing, causing a hard wind.
“Huh? What happened to me?”
It was different from the dizziness I would sometimes feel when I suddenly stand up (I have a low blood pressure). In those instances, I could feel my blood going down the head.
This time, however, it was something around me, not inside me.
I walked several steps to the sofa in my living room. (Tiny apartment, you know.) As I walked, the air around me felt thick, like it turned to a liquid gel. Mmm… maybe taking a walk is not a good idea. Let’s just lie on the sofa for a while. . .
Honestly, I was scared terribly. What had happened to me? Do I need to go to a doctor? But then, how do I explain this?
They’d probably think I was using some drugs. (I have never used drugs, by the way. But I’ve heard people talk what happens with certain drugs, and the sensation I was having seemed similar. But then, I am not sure.)
At that moment, I just wanted this weird condition to end. I was far from just living in the here and now. I was confused and terrified.
It ended after about 30 minutes. Looking back, I don’t really know why I was so scared. I sort of want to experience it again — seems interesting. (Needless to say, naturally, not with drugs. I totally hate the idea that some people use drugs to “induce” funny conditions.)
SP: Remember that? So do you think it would be easy to live in the here and now, no matter what happens?
Me: …
SP: People want to attach meanings and reasons to what they are experiencing. They think it’s a reward or a punishment of sort. They attach stories. The truth is, what is happening is just that. . . we are meant to just experience it.
And I have the feeling this is going to be essential in Ascension.
Okay, this is plenty to “download” for now. I am getting exhausted. (In addition to this “conversation”, there are some “road works” going on. It really feels that way — I think my spirit guides are building new connections, resurfacing the existing roads, etc.)
If you find this writing amusing, please send me some encouragement by leaving your comment. Thank you.
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Hi Akemi~ I totally get where you’re coming from. I have been having this same conversation with myself. I’m realizing that self/spiritual improvement is such an oxymoron and is contrary to itself. We need no “improving.” Living in the NOW is what it’s all about. And yes it is simple but not easy. I think for myself and many others spirituality has become our ego’s clever way to disguise itself as an identity.
I would love to read pt. 2 of this post with regards to Ascension….
Thanks for sharing!
Interesting post. I think what you mean when you say development is understanding. You can’t develop, but you can understand it. Then again, you can’t understand it from the inside either you need to rely on the external as well as the internal.There are a lot of great tools like, Sun of gOd: Discover the Self-Organizing Consciousness That Underlies Everything by Gregory Sams, Its really helpful.
I, as well, would love to read part two of this. I understand sort of what you are saying, just I don’t know how to put it into words. Maybe it doesn’t need words, you know?
-Merry
Hi thanks everyone.
I will see if I can jot down part 2 of this … although, according to my spirit guides, doing my own ascension is more important than writing about it…
I too had ponder upon these concept of everything is perfect as it is and there is nothing that is happening by accident and there should be no judgment whatsoever.
Akemi, if I were to follow literally what your SP guide is telling you, I would from the moment I woke up, not bother to do anything. I would just not want to go to work and basically let my life rot away, since nothing happens by accident and everything is perfect.even on a soul level.
However, I am a firm believer that we, being an aspect of God is already perfect. What is being seen as “imperfect” is actually a filter one placed upon oneself and one should try to remove this filter to see the perfect ONENESS.
So your work in a way is trying to remove this filter so that we could see this perfectness, maybe faster, clearer,etc (whatver adjective one might use). But to perfect or make better on a soul level, it would not help.
To see or experience a soul on a perfect level, one must go on a non-perfect mode. This is where you as a guide is trying to show us through your blog about some of the “non-perfect” or “negative” (hate to use this word) stories to enlighten us.
Hey Akemi,
Have you read any of the Seth books by Jane Roberts? “He” has been a great teacher to me recently (since I picked up “Seth Speaks”), and a lot of what you’ve written here reminds me of things I read in the material so far. I mean, I know you’ve probably got PLENTY of books on your plate…
Anyway, I was going to quote some passages to illustrate… But I’m feeling a bit like curling up in bed. Which I used to feel bad about, if I didn’t feel like reading my spiritual books… But now I know it’s okay! Heh.
I should point out that by saying, a lot of what you’ve written here reminds me of Seth’s work, I mean conceptually; my interpretation. I think it’s a challenge to sum up these things in words, largely because of how we interpret “wholeness”, “perfection”, etc.
I’d like to share a short paragraph from “The Nature of Personal Reality”, a Seth book by Jane Roberts. Taking it out of context, so I’m not sure its relation will make sense to anyone else reading here… But for me it certainly ties in:
” ‘At once’ does not imply a finished state of perfection nor a cosmic situation in which all things have been done, for all things are still happening. -You- are still happening– but both present and future selves; and your past self is still undergoing what you think is done. [...]” (page 154)
There are other paragraphs I was looking to find, about wholeness/completeness/perfection, and how they do not exist, in terms that for something to be whole/complete/perfect, it implies it has no further room to grow or experience (I am paraphrasing here; trying to get across the general gist I recall), which is some ways makes it “dead”. So I suppose, respecting that experience -is-, means we can also accept that, where we are “now” is right, valid, perfect/grace-full.
… Ah, it’s difficult for me to (right now) put into words!
Hi Akemi, I find your sharing very beautiful, and I can relate to alot of it. On the other hand, my own model for thinking about spirituality is very different, I guess. For one thing, I think of things like astral projection and lightbodies and healing, seeing, etc. as ‘skills’, separate from spiritual awakening, and really having nothing to do with it. And I think of other things like health, and diet, and career, etc. as personal development. And people can develop occult skills, and develop themselves personally, without knowing themselves as source. And they can know themselves as source, and not be interested in personal development or occult/energy skills. For some people, like you, they all correspond, but I don’t think that’s true for everyone. And I don’t think there’s any judgment to it, there’s just people here for different things. And we have different things that happen along the way, different types of experiences and transits, each related to one or more of these trajectories, perhaps depending on our intent, I don’t know. Sometimes they just feel like gifts. But some show us source, the now. And some show us skills – energy lines or skills that we can draw upon. And some us psychological insights about ourselves, or others.
I’m not sure this directly addressed what you were writing, but I guess what got me going on it is when you mentioned feeling like you were ‘falling short’ of the spiritual books you were reading because you hadn’t developed some of the skills you had hoped to focus on (astral projection, light body etc) or diet goals. And to me, those aren’t ‘spiritual’ per se, they are occult and personal development. Not to put too fine a point on it, but someone can be overweight, unhealthy, poor, and have absolutely no astral/occult abilities and still live in the now and know themselves as source. They might not live that long, but they can live in the now! All that other stuff may support us knowing ourselves as source, but it can also completely distract us.
Thanks for sharing your journey, it is always enlighteneing. Love, Lisa
Hi all,
First let me express my gratitude to your comments. Thank you for taking the time to write to me.
Now I’d like to point out the challenge of communicating in words. On the surface, what some of you say may sound like contradictory to mine or another comments, or may sound to agree, and it’s hard to tell. I love writing, and yet, I know language is so imperfect!
I know some of you personally, and that helps to understand where you are coming from and what you probably mean.
HC,
Thank you for your kind words about my work. I sure hope I am helping at least some people out there!
Lisa,
Well, perhaps astral projection is only an occult skill — I’ve thought so for a long time. But I really think, if someone is truly enlightened, their presence alone can help others, like Jesus did. I am not that level, obviously, and that is what have been frustrating me.
About the relationship of the body and the soul — I actually think there is a meaningful connection there. I’ll write about it in my next post.
BTW I find it interesting nobody has commented about my strange experience of altered reality. Is this something quite common that I am the only one who is amused?
I have not experienced anything like you did, but everyday, I have a consciousness to where everything is bigger, brighter, and well, better looking. Sometimes, I slip out of this consciousness, but if I can go back into it, I feel at home.
I have no idea what happened to you, but I do find it interesting.
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Hi Akemi,
I don’t usually comment but I appreciate your words very much. I am catching up with my emails and just read this entry. Thank you for sharing this! I am always eager to learn from spirit guides. I would love to know more when you are up to sharing.
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