How Not To Find Your Soulmate

February 12, 2009 by  

soulmate sucks

I know I’m crashing many people’s dreams.  Please don’t stone me.  Although it may be disappointing, knowing the truth of soulmates can free you up in your search for romantic relationship.  (And yes, I know Valentine’s Day is coming up . . .) (Photo by smudie)

You don’t want to seek your soulmate

You know the whole hype the mass media has made about soulmates.  There is one soul that is meant for you, and you are supposed to marry him or her.  You and him or her have promised to do so at the deep soul level many lifetimes ago.  They are also called twin flames.

As you know, I read people’s soul records (Akashic Records) professionally. So, yes, I know about the soulmate contracts.  I come across them occasionally.  When I do, my heart starts sinking with compassion.  And I expect an emotionally-charged phone session.  Because the soulmate contracts, at this time of our spiritual evolution, are outdated and those who are still seeking their soulmates are bound to be disappointed.

It started off on a positive note.  The two souls had such a great relationship that they decided to do it all over again when they’d come back in another lifetime.  And they did.  And the relationship was again good.    And then they came back to this physical world again and did it all over again.  And . . .

At some point, it got old.  When they first meet in the physical world, there is already a sense that they know each other somehow.  In the past, this promoted to form a relationship quickly and kept it secure.  There were plenty of other challenges in life and having a prescribed relationship with someone they already knew on the soul level worked as a safety net.

However, we don’t need this kind of restriction any longer and a lot of souls have noticed it.  They intuitively know they can form intimate relationship with someone new for totally new experiences.  So they have voluntarily cleared the soulmate contract on their own to free themselves.

. . . so long, honey, it’s been good but I’m ready for a new adventure now . . .

What happens when one soul sticks to their soulmate contract

The problem is there are still souls who are literally keeping their side of the soulmate contracts.  They seek and indeed find their soulmates.  They recognize their soulmates as such and woo.  Their soulmates, however, are not interested.  They may feel the familiarity and like their former soulmates, but they are not interested in having yet another intimate relationship with them.

So they keep a distance, messaging “Let’s just be friends.”  The one that’s still keeping the soulmate contract, however, wouldn’t listen and chase their mate.  Sad, unproductive courtship happens.

For the one that’s keeping soulmate contract, this is dissatisfying and frustrating.  For the one that has cleared the soulmate contract, this is very disturbing and confusing.  This person does not dislike their former soulmate – the former soulmate is like an old family member.  Just not romantic.

Sometimes they are already married.  One spouse has noticed the relationship is outdated – it’s not like they don’t love their partners any longer, but they crave freedom and new opportunities.  If they can dissolve the issue somehow, by separation / divorce or by somehow opening up the marriage (whether this involves sex with other people or not), that’s good.  If not, the soul that has cleared the soulmate contract may grow increasingly frustrated to the point that they start resenting their partners.

Soulmates vs soul friends

Soulmates are not the only souls we know from our past lives.  There are other familiar souls that I like to call “soul friends”.  Dr Michael Newton calls them “soul cluster groups” in Journey of Souls.  These souls know each other, may have some agreements, but not a binding contracts like soulmate contracts.  They incarnate at the same time repeatedly to share lifetimes.

You may know your soul friends.  The souls that walk into your life seemingly accidentally but ever so meaningfully.  You just feel so relaxed talking with them, even after a long time of no contact.

For example, in Dr Brian Weiss’ Many Lives, Many Masters, his patient Catherine’s soul friends include the doctor who referred her to Dr Weiss and Dr Weiss himself.

You may or may not want to marry your soul friend.  Sometimes, friends are best kept as friends.

The new meaning of romantic relationship

I think some of us are seeking fundamentally different things in romantic relationships these days.  In the past, relationship was a preparation or trial of becoming and raising a family.  It was for survival.  It was also about learning – learning from each other and through relationship.

Now, for more and more souls, romantic relationship is simply about experiencing love in this physical world.    It’s not about survival – on the contrary, it’s about free expression of love.  Romantic relationship is just that – it really doesn’t matter if it leads to marriage and family, and it doesn’t even have to be about learning.  Just experience what love is like in this physical form.  Period.

I guess most of us are still caught up in the old survival-oriented relationship model that has been the norm in society for thousands of years.  It’s scary to jump to the new type of relationship model based on unconditional love and freedom.  So you may be  tempted to argue that free love is possible and has always existed in the old survival-oriented relationships.  But if so, why do people become so possessive of their partners?

I’m not saying one is better than the other.  I’m saying many souls are waking up and opening to new possibilities.

Like other things I discuss on this blog, don’t just take my word.  If you want to form an exclusive relationship, my blessings go to you.  I know the sense of security feels good, and if your partner is happy about it, too, that is wonderful.  Just don’t bind him or her with mandatory contracts like soulmate contracts ;)

Do you still want to find your soulmate?  Which part of the media story on soulmates ticks you?

Do you find this blog inspiring?

Please check About page to learn more about this blog and the author, Akemi Gaines.


24 Responses to “How Not To Find Your Soulmate”

  1. Lisa on February 12th, 2009 1:03 pm

    Interesting post, I’ll stumble it. I have never liked the soulmate thing, for a slightly different reason – I find people tend to think that if you meet your soulmate everything should be easy, so they think any work in the relationship means it’s the wrong one…I think these days a lot of people have a hard time doing the personal and couple work required to make a relationship work and their romantic idealizations of the soulmate idea play into this.

    Your ideas about the changing role of relationship in our lives is very interesting too, and the stuff on one side keeping a contract…I think I have seen this as well, but didn’t realize what it was…

  2. Kerrie Lee on February 12th, 2009 3:58 pm

    I don’t like the soulmate thing either. I believe my husband is the perfect complement to me in this lifetime, but I’ve never really thought he was my soulmate. That doesn’t mean we don’t share a deep and meaningful love for each other. I also happen to believe we can be in love with more than one person at a time.

    I LOVE the idea of groups of soul friends. LOVE LOVE LOVE! I have a few people who fit that description for me.

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  4. akemi on February 12th, 2009 6:38 pm

    So true, the media made the soulmate story a very convenient fantasy. And some use this as a way to quickly capitalize on others (“I’m looking for a soulmate” supposed to mean “I’m not looking for a one night stand” I avoid these men by all means.) Then there are those who attempt to manipulate their partners for being less than ideal mate . .

    Yes, soul friends are very nurturing. They are friends — no obligation in any way, but with some familiarity and sense of good will.

  5. Daphne on February 12th, 2009 8:08 pm

    Hi Akemi,

    Interesting concept of a soulmate contract. I never thought of it that way. I think we ‘click’ with some people better than others, so in that sense I’d call that person a soulmate. But then we could have several soulmates, not just ‘the one’ and it’s still hard work keeping a relationship going with a soulmate. I do agree that it’s silly to keep holding on when the other person clearly has let go. Good post to get us thinking.

  6. tom on February 12th, 2009 8:13 pm

    Wow such an amazing article and the perfect one for what i have been searching for this month. I will feature this in my top 10 list next week.

    You know I have started to wonder the point of marriage. I mean we never wear the same clothes, work the same job, make the same money, so why do we need to be with the same person?

    You are right, people are waking up and wanting to experience new things, and get freedom.

  7. Mike Masters on February 12th, 2009 11:56 pm

    I am 35 and have never been married.
    The girl I am currently dating believes in the old model of soul mates that you are referring to. She is a pretty conservative Japanese girl that is a bit sheltered and has no desire to have her beliefs shaken.
    What is troubling to me is that as the world flattens and knowledge grows, people like her will still desperately cling to a romantic comedy view of relationships.
    You mentioned that this is the medias doing. I would argue that it is the demand for such material is as strong as violent manga for boys. A bit of a catch 22.

  8. akemi on February 13th, 2009 8:13 am

    Many people who play a significant role in our lives (family members, close friends, romantic partners, etc) are souls we knew from our past lives. So we “click” and start working on the unfinished work. They may or may not stay in our lives when we work through the unfinished business . . .

    Welcome, and thank you for your kind words. I think this is why polyamory is getting more attention these days.

    Welcome, and you are right. The media is just feeding what the crowd is buying. It’s how they make money. So when many of us change, I guess they start feeding us a new model. . .

  9. tom on February 13th, 2009 9:47 am

    Thank you, this was a really great article, I would love to see more on this topic.

    Also, from what i researched about marriage, that back in the days it was simply for business purposes, to increase wealth and power. Then later on the church and government took over.

    I think this is where they shaped marriage to what it is today.
    Your thoughts?

  10. akemi on February 13th, 2009 10:08 am


    I think the nature of relationship changed like this:
    Simple connection (as I briefly described in this post about value
    > possessiveness based on fear
    > society sets the “norm”
    > now we are becoming more awake and liberated

    For rich people, marriage was indeed about protecting and reinforcing their wealth by family connection. For the poor, it was a defense group against the harsh outside world.

    I’ve been a bit shy to write about this topic because I’m a single woman myself, but I will dare.

  11. tom on February 13th, 2009 10:34 am

    I say you write what you want, write down what makes you feel good, despite what others say. You can never satisfy everyone.

  12. Lisa on February 13th, 2009 10:44 am

    Just came back to read comments here, and wanted to add another thought on the whole marriage debate, which is one feminist view – basically, for centuries in most cultures women were practically slaves, owned by their husbands, no property rights of their own etc. So the whole patriarchy structure was pushing marriage for that reason too. Personally, I did choose to marry in this lifetime, but I don’t think it’s for everyone, or every couple, and i think those of us who have married in this lifetime need to really work hard to change the patterns we’ve inherited from the past.

  13. akemi on February 13th, 2009 4:37 pm

    I hear you. Thanks.

    I agree. Things can be harder for the married (both men and women).

    I have more thoughts on what Mike had to say about his girlfriend because I think this relates to a lot more people than just her. She is not some kind of victim of mass media. We are never complete victim of anything, anyone. We are responsible for our own personal and spiritual development.

  14. Heddy on February 17th, 2009 11:50 am

    Your article about soulemates helped to understand some of the break-ups I’ve experienced during this lifetime, not just friends but the divorce also. Although the break-ups were painful, in the long run it became clear that it was the right thing to do. I just didn’t realize what was going on. Unfortunately some individuals have a difficult time breaking the contract because the other person has become and/or is very possesive, and may not be as spiritualy aware as the one wanting his or her freedom. Consequently this behavior only adds to the emotional pain. Do you have any suggetions that can help make the transition easier?

    P.S. Please write about marriage! As a single person I find that I’m constantly defending my singleness. I often tell the “well wishers” just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m lonely. Furthermore I “choose” to be single at the present time. Why is so difficult for people to understand this?

  15. akemi on February 17th, 2009 2:11 pm

    Hi Heddy,

    Well, I’m single, too, so I know what you mean about the well wishers. . . My usual way to deal with them is to ask them to bring in a great guy. Most step back to take any kind of responsibilities like this — they are all about talks ;)

    I think we, each one of us, are responsible for our own life and spiritual development. The partner, other family members, friends, all affect us, but when we know who we are, we can stand firm with a big smile on our face.

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  20. Vrahc' Kohnym on July 25th, 2009 1:08 pm

    This is a great article.
    I myself had many implants and mind control around the soul mate and twin flame issue/propagande and it took me quite a while to get rid of them. These relationship conditionings are one of the most subtle and effective ways of holding Light workers from tapping into their true potential, because they do not want to hurt people they like and love, and instead of doing their work, they stay paralysed.
    I just recently got married, but it had nothing to do with the above described need for security , ownership or the need to maintain a social status. The reason we got married was for our mission’s purpose. We have an open relationship, because both of us know that we can use our sexual/creative energy to help others and just to keep it to ourselves would be a great waste. But lots of times when I connect to somebody now, because I feel they need my energetic support and my love energy, I do it etherically. This way I can just stay where I am and do not need to travel to be with somebody sexually in the physical. Lots of times too, the person’s soul approaches me and asks me to help in this way, which makes it a lot easier, because if I went to somebody, whose body and mind is still implanted and mind controlled, and said ”I am supposed to have a tantric ceremony with you, because your higher self ask me to, to help you co-create something for your mission here or to help you clear implants” they would totally reject me and probably call the police:-)

    I feel it is right that people are supposed experience love with one another and just do it because it feels great and because it can heal them, but in my experience when you get to the higher realms tantra/sexual unions are used to co-create things, beings and even worlds and it is can be used, if one is ready for soul re-connection and soul expansion.

    Thanks a lot for this very revolutinary, courageous and brave article.

    Vrahc’ Kohnym

  21. Kathryn Wislet on January 6th, 2010 9:01 pm

    I really found it a very interesting specially the concept of a soulmate contract.I think it is a great post and I enjoyed it a lot.It’s also true that there are so many people who are not with their soul mate but still enjoying their life with life partners.

  22. dimas on March 25th, 2010 11:13 pm

    The Goal, the mission… while one is in Human Flesh on planet earth IS and ALWAYS will be to learn. There are many things that one can learn in Human form, different feelings, emotions: THINK WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO: Love, to lust, What it’s like to be yelled at by your mother, what it’s like to scrape your leg, to get your check on payday, to have a baby, to have a broken heart, to score a touchdown, to give someone you love a gift they really wanted, to laugh uncontrollably , even to win a illegal street race. These are all things you can’t experience on other worlds across the Universe (we will experience other things we can’t even imagine on other worlds). The Point is, Soul mates are real! You should know if you’re lucky enough to have one, OR lucky enough not to have one in this lifetime, you should still Love life. Love each other, there is no Right or Wrong, just learn the lessons from whatever situation you are lucky enough to experience.

  23. Miguel on May 27th, 2010 1:14 pm

    This article made me think of Aldoux Huxleys book “Brave New World”.

    Of course I disagree with the slave society described in the book, but the idea of open relationships where marriage is seen as outdated, and where a person is encouraged to experience love with several people throughout his life, does not seem so wild.

    Especially if we use marriage as a safe haven when we are afraid to live new experiences.

    It can be very comfortable to live a stable and boring marriage, but it may prevent you to develop your full potential.

    And when you are already living in such a relationship it may be very hard to break up and fly by your own.

  24. Jessica on February 5th, 2011 2:01 pm

    I believe that the term soul mates is just another word for saying love relationship/partnership. I believe that people have choices regarding relationships; some people choose to have soul mates, while others choose not to. It is just a matter of choices. There are no right or wrong ways. It’s just the matter of what is best for you spiritually. Some people may choose a path alone and can still be happy, live a spiritual life, and learn about compassion and unconditional love in through various other ways. While others may want to learn more about compassion, unconditional love, and spirituality by experiencing relationships and love with other people. I believe that’s the reason why some of us have soul mates or love relationships.

    There are many reasons why people go through a love/soul mate partnership in their lives or seek to couple up with another. Being in a love partnership allows us to understand who we are. For one thing, many love relationships pose challenges and have its ups and downs, so you can either choose to make decisions based on fear or unconditional love and compassion.

    When people make decisions base on fear, their relationships suffer and the partnership can ultimately become somewhat of a duty or a burden and that’s when the feeling of “committed” love comes in. However, when people make decisions base on unconditional love, their relationships flourish with great happiness, fulfillment, compassion, and harmony. They want to be together because they want to and out of unconditional love from one another, not because they have to.

    I also believe that people confuse commitment with unconditional love. I believe these two are very different. When you commit to someone, you mostly do it out of duty, but not really out of unconditional love. However, unconditional love is loving the person for who they are and it’s having love for that person deep down in your soul. Even when there are challenges in the love relationship you both work together to create unconditional love within that partnership. Even when the other is ill or has flaws, do you choose to run away from it or do you choose to be there for the other person and accept and love them for who they are?

    So some of us have a love/soul mate partnership because it provides us with many challenges and it gives us the opportunity to make choices based on unconditional love… and with this, both people in the partnership can come to a better understanding of who they really are.