The One Word That's Sucking Up Your Energy Right Now
May 2, 2008 by Akemi
Your energy you can otherwise utilize to make positive changes in your life and enjoy life more.
Don’t undermine the power of words. We express our ideas with words, and we also create with words. This one word creates illusionary world that never exists anywhere but feels so real. The more you indulge in this illusionary world, the more energy it sucks up from you.
The word is: SHOULD
Let me illustrate how this word works. Does this sound familiar to you?
Jane stops at Starbucks on her way to work. “I’m running late. I should have left earlier.” She orders her regular latte, and after a few seconds of hesitation, also orders a blueberry muffin. “I shouldn’t be eating this. . . I know I should eat healthier. My sister’s wedding is four weeks ahead . . . I should go on a diet.”
When she gets her office, she is indeed late, and her boss gives her a glance. “How un-nice he is. . . I’m just a few minutes late. He should treat me better. Maybe I should look for a new job.” It’s a busy day at the office. During the lunch break, she watches the news in the breakroom. “We really should end the war. The money should be used for our kids’ education. . . “
Now compare it to this revised version.
Jane stops at Starbucks on her way to work. “I’m running late. This happens so often – I will set the alarm five minutes early for tomorrow.” She orders her regular latte, and after a few seconds of hesitation, also orders a blueberry muffin. “Okay, I’m giving in to my sweet teeth. But how can I eat healthier? My sister’s wedding is four weeks ahead . . . I want to lose a few pounds and look nice. ” As she drives to work, she thinks how she can avoid eating too much sweets. Perhaps, it will help if she eats breakfast at home. This means she needs to get up even earlier. She is not sure if she can keep up with it, but she decides to give it a try.
When she gets her office, she is indeed late, and her boss gives her a glance. “Uh-oh, good morning to my cranky boss. I’m a few minutes late.” she says in her mind, and starts working – she doesn’t think of a potential job change as a reaction to her negative experience with her boss. It’s a busy day at the office. During the lunch break, she watches the news in the breakroom. “I think we’ve had enough of this war. It is wiser to use the money for our kids’ education. . . “
Do you notice how the SHOULDs are creating the illusionary world?
Things are either IS or ISN’T, but never SHOULD. Jane is late for work because she left the house late. Thinking she “should have” left earlier doesn’t change this fact. This morning’s lateness is already a done-deal. So move on, and if she really doesn’t like running late, think how she can do it differently tomorrow morning, and do it.
Likewise, she is either eating the blueberry muffin or she isn’t. Thinking she “shouldn’t be” eating it doesn’t change the fact nor the muffin’s calorie. But when she thinks she shouldn’t be eating it, her mind goes to the false world of should’s. First she counts all the reasons why she should be eating healthier. She might go ahead and conclude that, now that she knows better, she should be able to eat better. In the wonderful world of should’s, she immediately becomes slim, and boom, suddenly her mind comes back to reality and shocks her. She asks herself, “I ate the blueberry muffin? How could I?” She laments the reality for not living up to the beauty of the world of should’s. “I should have known better.”
Preserve your mental energy for real life.
When our minds are occupied with the ideas of how things should or shouldn’t be, we are pouring our precious energy into this illusionary world. Again, the world of should’s feels so important and real. It feels as if it were just there an arm’s length away and we could grab it by pouring a bit more thought energy into it. All the perfect should’s: What we should do. How people should act. How the world should be. We can spend hours – or even our whole life – thinking about these should’s. And nothing would change.
If we want to change something, we first need to realize and accept how it is. Then we intend to change it – in this real world, not in the illusionary world of should’s. We come up with a goal, make a plan how to change it, and implement the plan. Goals are typically described with WILL, not SHOULD.
Or maybe we don’t need to change it. We don’t need to change every little things that are not quite pleasing. And it is certainly not mine to change the way you are – it is yours. (Unless you ask me to help you.) So I’ll just enjoy what I have rather than wasting my energy thinking how you or something should be.
Word game that makes a difference.
There may be cases where the word SHOULD is justly used, but I am assuming we can do away with 90% or more of it. Make it a habit to check if you are in the nowhere land of should’s, and when you notice you are, reword the should to is or isn’t to come back to reality. This may sound like a silly word game, but it works. Don’t you think Jane in the second scenario will do so much better?
Use your energy wisely to either make the real change or just enjoy what is.
What is your story of how XXXX should be?
Further reading: Note that MLK didn’t say how America SHOULD be, but said WILL be, and state your own dream. I Have A Dream. . .
Another related reading: Bust another guilt-inducing word HAVE TO. Releasing the Energy of Obligation.
Thanks to Jirel for including this post in Carnival of Inspiration and Motivation.
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I never thought about how powerful one word can be. Thanks for enlightening me. I will start monitoring my conversations more closely.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..Blogging – Year One – Lesson Twelve
This is an interesting angle on the word should. I’d say you’re off on your 90% estimate though. I don’t thing the word ought to be used at all. When we use it talking about others we are shirking responsibility and laying the blame on them. When we use it in regards to ourselves we are inducing guilt and wasting energy as you so cleverly pointed out. But there is a much more powerful word that we can use to replace should that does not drain our energy. That word is could. Could implies possibility and choice, which is much lighter, less stressful and much more energy efficient.
Tom Volkar / Delightful Works last blog post..Because Spring Is the Time of Love
Hi Akemi,
YES – we all need to stop “shouldding” ourselves!
What irritates me most about “should” is that it implies an external authority. “We should” … according to whom? If it’s according to us, then the words need to be “we want to.”
With “should” we’re implying that we’re living our lives according to someone else’s ideals.
Great article!
Blessings,
Andrea
Barbara,
It’s interesting how seemingly small thing like one word can represent a whole lot of belief system and affects our lives, isn’t it?
Tom,
Well, we can use should for logics, such as in science experiment. “When we add substance A to the tube, the temperature should rise . . .” Or, we can use it for fun when we have to kill some time. Let’s say you are on a business trip with a co-worker, and having one of those lopsided time that you can’t do anything really productive like reading. You can then talk about what that celeb should do, which, of course, doesn’t bother the celeb at all while you guys amuse yourselves for a few minutes. It’s safe as long as you don’t take it too seriously.
Andrea,
Great point! Just like HAVE TO, SHOULD is about external authority! And we internalize it so much we hardly notice it. In fact, I think we even abuse the word SHOULD to pretend the idea is more important than our personal preference. “We should spend our tax money on education.” sound more grand and proper than “I want our tax money to be spend on education.” Yet, we will be more empowered and happier to take responsibility for ourselves. Thank you.
“Should” is indeed an insiduous, energy-sapping word. And I like the example of MLK’s speech–the power of his speeches comes from his ability to envision, not just simply preach.
Kirsten,
Exactly. We can tell intuitively when someone speaks with authenticity and real vision.
Namaste Akemi!
Found you over here on the Accepting our Uniqueness article @ Urban Monk.
So I had to come here and read the *shoulds.*
My problem with *should* is the alternate reality of the past version. Mainly the *shoulda haves.” These…these are the mind blowers in the lives of my friends [and me too when i was uninitated...LoL]. “I should have known better.” or “I should know better” or “You should not have done that.” or “You should have _______ .”
A true life one for me that’s been my constant scorn is “Well. You should never have turned into an alcoholic.” ???
I don’t mind so much the should; potential future version. “I should have breakfast regularly.” or “I should go to the market today.”
The former [as opposed to latter] are the thieves. This alternate fake past that never was and some {I would} could argue, “…yes it should have happened!” The reason is quite simple too: Because it *did* happen.
I get this verges on philosophy but spiritually speaking there is truth in that also; as well as emotional healthwise. What good to beat ourselves or others up over what has happened? If it was a mistake, we learn from it [a good thing, then, has been transmuted, no?] and we do better next time. If it was not a mistake or an error in judgement but others think it was and therefore try to *should all over us*, well perhaps then, society’s mitote is blinded and in need of education.
Either way, when we do what we do, we need to accept it in its reality and move on from there. Period. Practicing *this* is hard enough for many people; nevermind berating ourselves or allowing others to do it to us.
PS. Yours is very nice too! I’m gonna FEED yours.
Samsara,
Welcome!
I totally agree with you. Should’s are disguised thieves. Watch out!
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