Who Am I? The Self Inquiry Process

(Photo credit)
Since I read Ramana Maharshi, I’ve been meditating more on the question of “Who am I?” in his style. His answer is “The Self, which is identical to the Source and God”. However, memorizing someone else’s answer does no good — I need to know for myself.

Here is my personal report of this self-inquiry.

The premise

First, I understand that I am always I am. There is never a moment when I am not who I am, never was, never will be. I may pretend to be someone, but it’s impossible for me to be not me. This is not spiritual — it’s a basic logic.

So from there, I assume who I am is something constant, something that doesn’t come and go.

The problem of neti-neti

Some nondualism teachers use “neti-neti” approach to explore who I am. Neti-neti means “not this, not this”. It’s a way to explore who I am by identifying who I am not.

I see a fundamental issue here. Neti-neti is a form of inductive reasoning and therefore has the same issue of induction. Just because it is true that I am not A, B, C (or D, and E) doesn’t mean I am something that is beyond A, B, C, D, and E. I may be F.

I agree with nondualism teachers that I am not my thoughts, not my mind, not my feelings, not my history and personality that was formed by the history, not my body. Typically, at this point, the nondualism says, “But there is this awareness that is aware of all these. So you are awareness.”

To this I wonder: Ah, but what about the soul and the Higher Self?

Perhaps because the idea of a soul was nonexistent in Asia, where nondualism started, they don’t check if I am a soul / Higher Self.

Awareness is the nature of the soul

In my understanding, awareness and the soul / Higher Self are the same. Awareness is the nature of the soul. Souls come to this world to experience, to be aware.

So my conclusion is really not different from their teaching (although personally, as the Akashic Record Reader, the minor difference of perspective is important).

As I wrote in my first article of “Who Am I?”, there is really no individuality at the Higher Self level. The individual soul is as real as the individual body — and just as illusionary. (If you are wondering the difference between the soul and the Higher Self, please check the linked article. When the distinction doesn’t matter, I use the words interchangeably.)

I am essentially my Higher Self exploring this strange and interesting world using an avatar called Akemi’s soul in Akemi’s body. It’s like playing a virtual reality simulation game.

The answer to “Who am I?”

I’ve seen many answers to this questions such as:

• I am energy taking the form of my body.
• I am a higher dimensional being.
• I am the extension of God’s love.

Well, to me, these (and more) just sound like mental constructs. They certainly sound nice, or even noble, but what do they really mean?

When I contemplate this question “Who am I?”, my honest answer is “I don’t know.” I sense I am here. Here is me. But I cannot explain who I am just as I cannot see the back of my own eye. I don’t know who I am — I just exist here. Well, let’s find out what I am like by experiencing various things in this world, shall we?

You want to know the meaning of life?

And that’s the meaning of life, meaning of existing as physical being here. I don’t know who I am. I just am. Well, that’s okay, but why not engage in a game to get to know myself by experiencing so many things?

Here is a passage I wrote for myself:

I am what is looking at the world through Akemi’s eyes (for now, at least), feeling in Akemi’s body, thinking with Akemi’s poopoo little brain. Akemi really doesn’t exist in the way she thinks she does — that’s just her belief, her ego’s belief.

When I look through Akemi’s eyes and see, say, a tree, I recognize it — hey, that tree feels familiar. I know that tree. In fact, I was that tree before (if you believe in linear time). So this is how that tree looks like from Akemi’s viewpoint!

I guess people are the same way, too. We play the game of the offender and the offended, the lover and the beloved, the stranger and another stranger, to see how it all feels. For the sake of awareness.

At this point, a strange thought came up in me: Does the Higher Self even care about me?

To this, the answer was:

Well, I am more Akemi than Akemi (that is, Akemi as Akemi thinks she is, as a limited and separate entity). I mean, of course I care for Akemi — by that you mean, Akemi’s body, right?

But then, if Akemi’s ego insists on acting out in a certain way, I (Higher Self) play along with it to see and experience what happens. I am all for experiencing. I am awareness.

All experiences are great. Even what people call bad experiences are great in the same way watching a play of tragedy (like Hamlet) is great.

And nothing is “same old.” I can only experience the present. Nothing is ordinary — I have no standard to judge things against. Everything is interesting. I love everything.

And experiencing doesn’t have to be about running around to do more. The “I” seem to like just watching the sky, for instance.

The awareness and the body

I think the Higher Self / awareness is more closely connected to the body than to the mind because the body is our tool to experience. The Higher Self is not interested in the commentaries of the mind — that is like indirect, secondhand experiences. So the feelings (both the emotions and the kinesthetic kinds) are more directly connected to the Higher Self than thoughts, memories, and beliefs.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what we call it. I’ve been using the word “Higher Self” because this was the term that was often used in the corner of the world I used to be familiar with, but because I never talk about “lower self”, I might just call it “Self” (as opposed to self, which is an illusionary reflection of Self). You might call it spirit, awareness, the “I am” or A to Z. (Um, yes, I imitated Jesus, who said, “I am the alpha and the omega.” He didn’t mean he alone is such — each and every “I” am the alpha and the omega.)

What do you think? Have you read Ramana Maharshi or other nondualism teachings? What is your heartfelt response to the question, “Who am I?”

For The Love Of Life And Nature

Something is changing within me. I do not know who I am any more. So many things that have defined me — or, many things that I used to define myself — are falling off, and a fresh Akemi is coming out from within.

I cannot make sense of it all, so I am writing about it. (Hmm. This part of me who likes writing seems to be still here.)

Like today, I went out for a walk and ended up running perhaps quarter of the time. Running? Isn’t that something I’ve hated since I was in kindergarten? But I felt so light, I really wanted to run, and would have run all the way if I could. (My metaphorical heart is there, but my physical heart isn’t ready — the body needs some time for adjustment, I guess.)

And I put out a notice on my Akashic Record Reading site that I am currently not taking orders.

My work and me

Like most people, work has been a big part of my self-definition. Akemi as Akashic Record Reader and spiritual coach. And I know I’ve been super lucky — I have enjoyed using my gift to help people, the business is thriving, and my clients are happy. I’m even publishing my first book soon — this is when I should be marketing and working extra hard. So why stop now? Isn’t this crazy?

I agree it’s crazy. But there is a part of me that says, “I am more than this work!” and the voice is growing bigger daily.

Spiritually, this all makes sense actually. Life is like a computer simulation game. When you master a phase of a game, do you stay there? Of course not, you move on for new challenges. My soul wants to move on exactly because the business has been good and I’m publishing my book (one of my big dreams of life). It’s just my ego who insists on staying in the comfort zone.

(Note: I may figure out a way to balance my new thing — whatever that may be — and the Akashic Record Reading. If there is a fun new way to integrate the two. So don’t worry if you wanted a reading — I will open the door again.)

So what’s next?

Great question. I don’t know exactly what it is.

I do know what I want to experience: Even greater love.

For one, I want to feel I am completely supported by the Universe (or Source or God, whatever you call it). I do know I am supported — when I need extra cash, new orders rush in. It’s a miracle every time it happens. And yet, I still have some fear, the nagging fear that says “you must work hard to survive.”

No, my soul says, the Universe loves everyone. Hardworking or not. Work is about love, doing what I love to do and sharing it with others. Money flows separately. On the surface, it may look like the work is bringing in money, but energetically, it’s not.

Second, my love of nature is growing gigantic. I have always loved nature, but the way I loved it was at an arm’s length. For example, I might be so moved by the sunset — for 15 minutes or so. That’s still a significant experience, but it was isolated from the rest of my life.

I want to spend more time in the nature. Like all day, or days. I want to see what happens if I throw myself in the arms of the nature.

Now I must tell you, I grew up in a big city and never had a chance even to go hiking overnight. As much as I love the outdoor air, the trees, the changing light of the sun and the moon, I also have serious fear about bugs, animals, and what not. So this dream of spending more time in nature is kinda ridiculous.

The wanderlust

I’m also tempted to travel. And I have hated traveling. I consider myself as a migrant not a traveler — I moved from Japan to the U.S., from Ohio to Tennessee to Oregon, but once I settle in one place, I have seldom traveled. Even during the summer vacation season, I usually stayed around doing the “stay-cation”.

Part of the reasons is I am so sensitive. I can’t sleep in a hotel bed. They don’t use 100% cotton sheets and many hotels are located on busy, noisy streets. And of course, I dislike the busy roads and airports.

But on the other hand, I dream of seeing new horizons. America is a continent — if I drive all the way, I can drive from west coast to east coast, or from Canada to Mexico. For someone from the island country, this is so romantic.

I know the color of the sky changes depending on the location and the season. How does it look in Montana? In Maine? How does the air smell there?

The body awareness

And, whether the mind is ready or not, my body seems to be getting ready anyway. This is another thing that surprises me. I have never been athletic. Throughout my school days, people made fun of me because I was no good at sports.

I’m probably still no good at competitive sports, but these days, I just love how I feel when I ride my bike or when I walk — and yes, run. I do yoga every morning. I just love, love, love the sense of lightness and strength in me.

Again, right now, I can’t do much — I get muscle pain easily so I can’t continue long. But my yearning to move around is so strong.

So really, what’s next?

I don’t know. Do I want to travel across America like Ariel Bravy? (By the way, I met him the other day. He is even more inspiring in person than he is in his blog.) Live in the nature like Robin Easton? (Perhaps a bit of a stretch for me. . . but it’s a fascinating idea.) Hike like Stacey Mattews? (Okay, I need more training. . .) Or something else? I guess I can make a few small trips first to see how I feel?

For now, I’m just embracing this new uncertainty. You know, the mysterious chaos of energy before something takes place? Something will. Something wonderful
(Photo credit)

12 Steps To Realize Your Higher Self

When you notice you are operating as your Higher Self, as opposed to your usual mode of operation as your ego, you’d feel so different that you won’t miss it. It’s like a layer of a veil is lifted. Things become so clear and brilliant.

In this article, we’ll discuss the method that hopefully lead you to this experience. But first, please know methods are just methods. You may not need a method to experience something. And trying a handful of different methods may not get you to the experience.

The standard approach is meditation. I do believe meditation is the best way to this experience. The trouble is, sometimes you feel so troubled that meditation is the last thing you feel like doing. So what do you do? Just wait until you feel like meditating? Force yourself to meditate?

My new twelve-step program is something that bridges this gap.

The original 12 steps

Let me honor the original twelve-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous before we delve into my new version. Here it is:

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over (alcohol), that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7: Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

Notice there is no step that says, “Made a resolution not to drink again.” This is not a program about quitting drinking or correcting an addictive habit; it’s about leaving the ego-centered way of living and realigning to “God” way.

I heard that, in the beginning, there were only two criteria that were asked to those who wished to join the group and start their recovery:

1. Can you not drink for one day?
2. Do you believe in a power greater than yourself?

In other words, the focus was to stay in the present and to align with a power greater than oneself. Oneself — the ego self, that is. All the steps are designed to promote these two points, to help a person leave the past regrets and grievances so that he can start afresh each day and to be more God-centered than ego-centered.

This seemingly roundabout approach has been surprisingly successful. Today, there are many types of twelve-step support groups such as Al-Anon (for families of addicts), Narcotics Anonymous, Nicotine Anonymous, and Overeaters Anonymous. (Depending on their addiction, they change the words in the bracket in Step 1.) The program works because all addictions are about the ego.

The nature of ego

The ego is addictive by nature. If nothing else, it is addicted to compulsive thinking, which distracts your attention from the present. The ego does this because the present, the Now, is when the realization of your Higher Self happens.

When you want to realize your Higher Self, then, you want to keep your attention to the Now. My new twelve steps are intended to release you from the compulsive thinking of the ego and to stay put in the Now.

The new 12 steps

Step 1: I admit that the “I” as I think I am, my ego, is unreasonable and has turned my life full of suffering.
Step 2: I believe that a power greater than my ego can restore me to sanity. This power is beyond me and yet within me, my Higher Self, which is one with the loving God.
Step 3: I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand it.
Step 4: I observe my thoughts and feelings, knowing most of them are about my ego and therefore disbelieving them.
Step 5: I admit I acted in ways that caused pain to myself and to the world. I didn’t intend to cause pain, I was only seeking love and comfort. Nonetheless, my actions were conditioned and reactive.
Step 6: I am entirely ready to live as my Higher Self, forgiving all I have done.
Step 7: I humbly ask for divine grace so I may stay aware.
Step 8: I acknowledge I am withholding love from myself and others because of my judgments.
Step 9: I accept the limitations of myself and others, and also the divinity in us all.
Step 10: I choose to live in the Now, and when my ego rises to wander, promptly arrest it.
Step 11: Through yoga and meditation, I tune up the connection of my body, mind and spirit, so I may act as my Higher Self, guided by its brilliance.
Step 12: Having had a spiritual remembering as the result of these steps, I live in childlike ease and joy, and I carry this message to others when appropriate.

Now let’s study each step in details.

Step 1: Most of us live as the ego. In fact, the first “I” that is admitting the ego is unreasonable is still just one aspect of the ego. But we must start somewhere, and acknowledging the ego’s unreasonable, crazy nature is the first step. Our strategy is to give the ego something specific to work on rather than let it work on random problems as it usually does.

If you don’t think the ego is unreasonable, perhaps you haven’t suffered enough. Most of us live in denial. That’s okay — take your time. Watch how your ego creates a problem by thinking and judging and then how it turns around to solve that problem. If you set a fire and then go around screaming “Fire!”, isn’t that crazy and unreasonable?

When you are ready, you might want to make a list of all the craziness in your life. This is admittedly a very painful step. In AA meetings, many big well-established men and women break into tears when they do the first step. This is actually good — the denial is finally giving way to your desire for recovery — in this case, your desire to live as your Higher Self.

Step 2: Again, it’s still an aspect of ego talking, and “believing” is a far cry from really “knowing,” but we need to start somewhere. If you have done Step 1, the first sentence of Step 2 comes easily. The second sentence — well, for now, please just take it as it is written.

Step 3: This is basically the same as the original step. It’s about surrendering. And it’s a very scary step because at this point, you are probably still operating as your ego, and the last thing ego wants to do is to give up any of its power (even though that is only a fake power).

If the resistance is too strong and you cannot do Step 3, please go back to Step 1. You might also want to review your concept of God. Do you really see God as the source of all life, love and intelligence? (If you are allergic to the word “God,” please replace it with the word of your choice, such as Source or Universe.)

Step 4: You want to make it a habit to observe your thoughts in the same way you observe passing thoughts in meditation. No push, no pull, no reacting, just observing. Feel the existence of the “you” who is observing your thoughts. That is not your thinking ego.

In the beginning, you probably slip often and react to your thoughts and feelings. This is why Step 4 is an ongoing step.

Step 5: This step pairs with Step 4. As you observe so many thoughts and notice how you tend to react to them, you might feel bad about yourself. You’ve already done Step 1, and know how crazy things can get when you act on your ego’s cues.

It’s critical at this point to understand that you, like everyone, acted and reacted not because you wanted to cause pain but because you didn’t know better. Yes, your ego drove you crazy and you did some really stupid things. But at the time of acting it, you thought your action would bring some comfort, or at least some relief. No one does anything with the pure intention to cause pain. Even murderers have a reason — at least at the very moment of their action, they thought the action would bring some comfort or relief. Perhaps a stupid reason, but still a reason.

The real problem is we, as egos, are conditioned to think and act in certain ways and we react to our thoughts and feelings. In order words, the real problem is the lack of awareness. (By the way, this step is not about defending murderers but does mean having compassion to all beings.)

Step 6: So we get to the point of really wanting to have this awareness, or to live as our Higher Selves. In order to get there, we need to release the baggage from the past by forgiving ourselves. This is another painful step. Your ego will resist the idea of forgiving yourself — your ego would insist on punishing yourself for all the wrongs you’ve made. And as long as you listen to your ego’s resistance, you are not quite ready yet.

Step 7: The awareness comes by divine grace. It’s not something you can work on or create. That’s just your ego talking, again — the ego loves doing something. And the ego judges if you deserve it or not.

No, at this point, you simply ask or pray so that you can have this awareness. If you really have done Step 6, Step 7 comes naturally.

Step 8: The nature of your Higher Self is the same quality love of God. While the ego makes judgements about people, things, and events, your Higher Self is waiting to just love. Let’s notice that.

For me, this is an ever fresh step. There is more, more, and more love, and even after doing the steps many times, I still notice I am withholding some love, so I do the nest step to open up further.

Step 9: This is another way to say love. As humans, we have limitations. We also have innate divinity. Accepting both aspects means living as your Higher Self in this physical world.

Both aspects. If you find yourself focusing on either one of the aspect, you haven’t got it yet. Step 5 prepares you to accept the limitations in us. Step 2 and 7 prepare you to accept the divinity in us.

The “I” is now shifting to your Higher Self. The “I” who can accept the egos and the Higher Selves in oneself and others is not your ego, it’s your Higher Self. You might take Step 8 and 9 awareness back and forth to really get it.

Step 10: As I explained earlier, the ego doesn’t like the Now and wants to distract you to the past or the future. When this happens, simply notice and get back to the present.

Step 11: What’s good with yoga (or other body-mind-spirit work of your choice) is you intend to move your body in a certain way using your mind, and then you observe your body movement as you observe your thoughts and feelings in Step 4. So it links the body, mind and your Higher Self awareness.

Body awareness is the key. I wrote yoga because I like it, but as long as you use your body, mind, and awareness, you can do the movement of your choice such as tai chi or martial arts. (I’m not interested in the kind of yoga that just does the poses — that is more like aerobics with yoga poses.)

Meditation is also helpful. Hopefully, by the time you get to this step, you are ready to meditate. This is another ongoing maintenance step so you stay in your Higher Self awareness.

Step 12: We are our Higher Selves. This is about remembering this original state, not achieving something new. As your ego created problems decrease, you get to live in childlike ease and joy. (By joy, I don’t mean the temporary jolted feeling you have when you get what you wanted.) This doesn’t mean you are now always your Higher Self. The ego is canny and it will be back. (When it does, it seems to attack with vengeance.)

At this point, you are probably just living your life with the simplicity and audacity of a child, and the people around you may notice. I am not big on marketing, but when someone asks, it may be appropriate to talk about it.

How to work the steps

If you want to practice the 12 steps, this is how:

1. Read the 12 steps aloud a couple of times a day, like morning and evening. Soon, you will memorize them. Posting the printout may be helpful, too.
2. Do the steps one by one.
3. When you feel troubled, emotionally disturbed, stressed, or whenever you can, recite the 12 steps and see where you are. For example: Have I realized how unreasonable my ego is? If not, is what I am going through enough to take Step 1? Or: Am I observing my thoughts and feelings? Oh, I guess I am reacting to them. Let’s do Step 4.
4. When you are down to Step 12, start over from Step 1 again. Often, it takes multiple rounds to really get it.

While I heard some stories of immediate and once-for-all enlightenment, my experience is this is a process.

So try it out and let me know how it works for you!
(Photo credit)

Next Page »